About Celina 52 Truck Stop
Note: Celina 52 Truck Stop is a real place. You can visit us at Eco Travel Plaza in Crossville, TN. Ask any Employee how to earn Cranking the Hog Reward Points.
Our History
Celina 52 Truck Stop was founded in 1952 by the Herniple family after the original owner was forced to sell following an incident we are legally unable to discuss. The Herniples saw potential in the property and have operated it continuously ever since, minus a brief period in 1987 when the building was condemned.
We have been in business for over 70 years despite unusually high turnover rates. Our success comes from two simple goals: Stay in business and Make Record Profits. If our Employees want a "living wage" they can find work somewhere else.
The truck stop has grown considerably since those early days. We now offer fuel, food, showers, live animals, and our award-winning Urine Jug Exchange Program. We have also survived three grease fires, two parking lot sinkholes, and an ongoing territorial dispute with Bussy's across the street.
Leadership
Dennis Herniple, CEO — Dennis is a very wealthy but humble man who flies in occasionally via helicopter to check on operations. He has chosen not to fire any Employees during his last several visits. Dennis believes strongly in worker safety and has reduced on-site fatalities by nearly 30% since 2019.
Our Dedicated Staff
Colby Kappleman, 2nd Shift LEAD Cashier — Colby is certified in advanced conflict escalation and preemptive threat neutralization. He served 3 semesters in JROTC before being dishonorably discharged. Colby has personally stopped dozens of shoplifters through his incredible foresight and willingness to tackle customers who reach for products suspiciously. He recently survived a direct meteorite impact. Colby has a son named Shaggy (named after his favorite actor) who sometimes helps hunt unauthorized Urine Jugs in the parking lot.
Donny "Blind Donny" Day, Forklift Operator — Donny cannot see anything at all. When he was born, his parents immediately knew something was wrong with him and put him up for adoption. He was then raised by a loving family who acted as if he was a normal human. Despite being completely blind, Donny eventually learned how to perform basic human tasks such as breathing on his own, eating, and mumbling words. He used all three of these skills to nail a job interview at Celina 52 in 2007. Donny is also a certified mystic, hunter, and aspiring chef. He can smell the difference between a $1 and $20 bill so don't mess with him.
Nevaeh Petty, Lot Attendant & Urine Jug Specialist — Nevaeh maintains our parking lot and oversees our unauthorized jug recovery program. She has found hundreds of jugs which are then sent to our labs for DNA testing using the CODIS database along with genetic genealogy. Nevaeh also operates "Nevaeh's Bonus Hole," our popular quarter pusher game. Management is currently running a monthly Date Night program in a desperate bid to find Nevaeh a husband. All expenses are covered by Celina 52.
Rodney Bartow, Security — Rodney served two tours in the Cold War before moving on to Security at Waffle House, and eventually Celina 52. He spent 14 years undercover infiltrating an illegal cockfighting operation on our property, personally providing over 200 roosters to maintain his credibility before finally coordinating a raid that led to six arrests. The winnings were funneled back into truck stop improvements including new shower tiling and an espresso machine.
Belinda, Cashier/Food Woman — Belinda is our most valuable Employee. When she mentioned possibly quitting, we temporarily chained her until our CEO could fly in and negotiate a new contract. Belinda handles Loss Prevention and once leapt onto a customer's hood to clear rain from his windshield by hand until he could reach a repair shop. She suffered minor burns from falling onto the asphalt but said it was all worth it to provide unforgivable customer service. Note: We learned Belinda may have kiIt her ex boyfriend 6 years ago in self-defiance. This should not effect her ability to prepare food or service customers.
Jacob, Gay Day Shift Manager — Jacob was promoted from Gay Cashier after our former Gay Manager Danny Brine moved on to Gay District VP. Jacob discovered he was mostly gay after taking a DNA test last summer. In addition to being gay, Jacob enjoys sucking on his vape, smelling like pot, and watching TV. He is no longer allowed to host scavenger hunts.
Janitor — Janitor has worked at Celina 52 for over three years and is the reason our bathrooms and store stay sparkling clean. He works both first and second shift, seven days a week, and lives in our stock room. Janitor's hobbies include watching videos, talking about how cool it would be if he had a jetpack, and cleaning toilets. He recently completed a successful jetpack test flight which reached a peak altitude of 12 inches before an O-Ring seal blew.
Piss Jugman, Mascot — Piss Jugman (also known as "Fill It Up Guy") is the official mascot of Celina 52. He stands 8 feet tall and visits local schools to teach children about recycling through his presentation "Urine Trouble If You Litter." Piss Jugman has won a steel cage match against Smokey the Bear and was once wrongfully detained after someone spray painted a State Trooper vehicle. He is armed and dangerous. Not filling him with real liquid ended up being the right move to improve his mobility and scent.
Thank You,
MGMT
Celina 52 Truck Stop
Crossville, TN
"Freedom doesn't cost anything"
