Military Routes Live Nuclear Warhead Through Celina 52 Snack Aisle

CELINA, TN — Local road construction forced the United States military to route a live nuclear warhead through the main snack aisle of the Celina 52 Truck Stop on Tuesday. Two soldiers casually wheeled the explosive device past the soda coolers on a four-wheeled handcart, carefully dodging elderly patrons in mobility scooters. Management requested that customers remain completely calm and refrain from taking photographs. Shoppers were also asked to avoid making sudden movements, as the payload is highly volatile and could detonate if slightly jostled.

Store operations continued normally as the weapon crawled toward the front exit doors. Lead Cashier Colby Kappleman followed the escort closely, openly threatening to perform a violent citizen's arrest on the soldiers if they tried to pocket any beef jerky on their way out. "I told them to swing wide around the novelty snake display," Manager Jacob (gay) said. "If they bump a shelf and vaporize the tri-county area before second shift gets here, I am absolutely not doing the paperwork."