Management Praises "Wholesome" Disposal of Mystery Fluids

CELINA, TN — Lot attendant Nevaeh Petty spent Tuesday morning wrangling tightly knotted green bags of human waste out of the overnight truck parking area. The mysterious bundles appeared near the back fence line sometime after midnight. Management publicly praised her sanitation efforts as a wholesome blessing on the company social media page. Petty simply strapped on a pair of latex gloves and tossed the warm sacks into the dumpster without breaking a sweat.

The grim cleanup occurred just hours before her latest divorce mediation session. Petty is currently locked in a bitter legal battle with Transportation Director Jerry Petty over their shared microwave. “I don't know what the freight haulers are eating to make it smell like battery acid through two layers of plastic, but at least it didn't burst on my good sweatpants,” she said. Applications for the "Date Night with Nevaeh" promotion are still available next to the scratch-off kiosk for any eligible bachelors who don't mind the smell of bleach.