Management Mandates Free Gas to Achieve Massive 'Defecate' Ahead of IRS Audit

CELINA, TN — All fuel pumps at the Celina 52 Truck Stop are currently dispensing regular unleaded for free as management attempts a frantic maneuver to avoid federal prison. CEO Dennis Herniple authorized the giveaway Tuesday morning to intentionally drain the company's operational accounts to exactly zero. Management circulated a handwritten memo stating the rapid depletion of funds is necessary to prove to IRS auditors that the business operates at a massive "defecate." A strict limit of 800 gallons per customer was established to ensure the deliberate bankruptcy is distributed evenly across the county.

Traffic backed up onto the highway by noon as motorists rushed the pumps to exploit the tax evasion scheme. Lead Cashier Colby Kappleman spent the afternoon patrolling the concrete islands, physically assaulting anyone who attempted to swipe a debit card at the terminal. "Dennis said if we show a single dime of profit this quarter, he'll be making toilet wine until 2038," Kappleman said while performing a violent citizen's arrest on a man trying to pay for his diesel. The newly installed pump-side urinals remained fully operational during the rush, allowing drivers to relieve themselves without losing their place in the free-gas frenzy.