Local Woman Forced to Attend Own Memorial Service After Defecting to Rival Store

CROSSVILLE, TN — Management at the Celina 52 Truck Stop recently held a solemn, candlelight vigil to mourn the sudden passing of a local senior citizen's brand loyalty. Ethel, a formerly regular patron, was officially pronounced "dead to us" after corporate surveillance revealed she had begun purchasing her morning coffee at rival convenience store Bussy's to avoid a recent 25-cent price increase.

In a mandatory demonstration of corporate grief, Ethel was invited back to the facility to pay respects to the customer she used to be. The visibly bewildered elderly woman, clutching a cane and wearing a pink shirt that read "DON'T FOLLOW ME I'M LOST TOO," stood directly beside her own memorial shrine. The draped display featured her grainy security camera photo, lit pillar candles, a floral arrangement, and a placard commemorating her tragic defection on January 8, 2026.

Despite the somber occasion, morale remained high among the staff. In the background of the wake, a smiling employee was seen cheerfully embracing the 8-foot-tall company mascot, Piss Jugman. "It is always difficult to lose a demographic, but we must find closure," stated 2nd shift LEAD Cashier Colby Kappleman, adjusting the memorial photo. "We wish Ethel well in the afterlife. Rest in poverty."