Glaucoma Flare-Up Sidelines Cashier For Sixth Consecutive Drug Test

CELINA, TN — The mandatory employee drug screening at Celina 52 Truck Stop hit a familiar snag Tuesday morning. Cashier Doris missed the corporate urinalysis for the sixth consecutive year after coming down with sudden, crippling glaucoma. Management confirmed she also developed severe joint issues just minutes before the mobile testing clinic arrived on site.

Rather than suspend her, the company provided Doris with a hot pizza and a large bag of Doritos. She was instructed to safely self-medicate inside her idling sedan until the medical crisis passed. "We just want her feeling better and mostly out of the store until she stops asking if the diesel pumps are looking at her," Manager Jacob (gay) said while handing a plastic specimen cup to the janitor.