Celina 52 Staff Screams, Flees During 'Active Shitter' Preparedness Drill

CROSSVILLE, TN — The Celina 52 Truck Stop conducted a high-stakes emergency preparedness exercise on Tuesday morning, testing employee response times during a simulated "Active Shitter" scenario.

The drill was designed to rehearse protocols for the unlikely but terrifying event of a customer experiencing a sudden, catastrophic loss of bowel functionality on the sales floor. Observers on the scene witnessed staff members sprinting frantically through the men's restroom, their hair whipping wildly as they raced past urinals filled with bright orange liquid. A yellow warning sign reading "WARNING ACTIVE SHITTER DRILL IN PROGRESS" was temporarily affixed to the bathroom tile to notify patrons of the ongoing exercise.

According to company directives, the official tactical response to an active shitter consists entirely of employees screaming nonstop and fleeing the immediate area. "The primary objective is to vocalize unyielding terror and retreat to a safe distance until the Janitor can arrive from the stock room," a memo from CEO Dennis Herniple stated.

Truck stop officials confirmed the morning drill was a success and stressed to the public that there is currently no active shitter reported in the area. Operations have returned to normal.