Armed Hazmat Guards Enforce New Decontamination Tunnel at Celina 52

CROSSVILLE, TN — Following what management described as a "small incident" overnight, patrons exiting the Celina 52 Truck Stop are now required to pass through a heavily armed decontamination tunnel.

The new safety measure features a white tent billowing thick, opaque smoke. Two guards in full yellow hazmat suits and gas masks, armed with assault rifles, flank the exit to ensure compliance. A sandwich board outside the tent confidently advertises that the fog "removes 70% of unknown toxins."

On Tuesday morning, customers could be seen fleeing the fog bank in various states of distress. An elderly woman was forced to crawl onto the pavement on her hands and knees, while several senior citizens staggered out covering their mouths and noses. One dazed youth wearing a "KNOXVILLE FUCKING TENNESSEE" t-shirt emerged from the smoke staring blankly ahead.

"Please be assured, this is being done out of an abundance of caution," said 2nd shift Lead Cashier Colby Kappleman through a muffled respirator. "Shopping here isn't a problem at all, as long as you do not inhale air while inside the store. Just hold your breath, pay for your items, and step into the fog. If you pass out before the register, that's loitering."